How much is enough?

My dear 2 1/2 year old daughter came home from her night at her daddys house today. After our lunch with daddy and a quick stop at the store for new watercolors, we came home and painted a HUGE picture together, then we did 3 puzzles and then played a few levels of Mario on the Wii. So I started thinking about it, and it got me thinking about honestly how much time I do spend playing with her, like honestly playing doing what she wants, and I realize I spend a good 5, 6 or more hours a day just playing with her. Which is crazy as I always feel guilty for not doing enough with her. Which is of course why I never get anything else done. Where is that balance? Why do I struggle with this so much..is it my perfectionism? Wanting to be the perfect mother and woman? Probably. How do I fight the perfection monster?

What if.....

Today my mind is full of what if? Lately I have been thinking a lot about a certain someone and then last night had a wild dream about him and has really made me stop and think. I have always regretted not telling him I loved him. He was my very best friends little brother. So I've know him as long as I can remember. And was in love with him for as long as I can remember. He was so cute, and sweet, and funny and just perfect. One day I commented to my friend that I had a crush on her brother and she freaked out (we were really young and it was her brother so she thought it was gross) so because of that I never told him. I just relished all the time I was able to spend with him. I went on vacations with them and just loved him more and more. Of all of the mistakes I have made in my life, that was the biggest and the one I regret the most. I wonder what our lives would have been, what kind of person I would be now if things had gone anywhere....

Pieces of life are falling into place

One of my girlfriends contacted me the other day and said hey I have got some work for you if you are interested...after a quick run through of the details, I was jumping up and down (literally) with joy. I get paid a decent wage, extremely flexible hours AND I GET TO WORK FROM HOME!!!! And I can start training tomorrow! Seriously this is a dream come true! No it's not a glamorous job nor will I get rich but it will be more than enough to pay my bills, have some to save, and some splurge on the kiddos. And I can do it while I am home, and I can easily work it around whatever the kids are doing. And work it around school! I am still in shock of all of this, I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to her and how much this has saved me...

Welcome to my pitty party

Today as my mom was checking out her facebook she says "whoa! K and T are getting married!?!?!" K being my ex husband and T being the woman he spent our whole marriage sleeping with, and thus the final reason which forced me to leave him. Now the only feelings I have for my ex is pure hatred, so why does this bother me so? Because the lying, cheating, bastard who I took care of, put through school, bought the house and furnished it(which he now owns) cooked, cleaned, took care of our beautiful daughter, and he is now very happy and marrying the woman he cheated with for years? A dear wise friend pointed out he thinks I am so upset because K used me to get to her. (thank you my dear friend for pointing THAT out to me) So he is all happy and getting married and they have their second child on the way, and I can't get a date with a decent man. So here I sit feeling sorry for myself, but that is indeed just so foolish. So I will sit and cry for a bit, let out my frustration and anger, mostly at myself for making such a foolish choice in husband at such a young age. Then I will take a deep breath pick myself off the floor and be thankful he is marrying a woman who treats my daughter well and cares for her. Because in the end that beautiful girl we had together is all that matters.

Happily ever after...

With all of the hype with the royal wedding, I have been feeling utterly depressed. I mean here is this woman who gets the whole package, a man who is cute, good hearted, rich and a PRINCE to boot! I mean how unfair is that? I can't even find a decent man to go on a date with and she gets a prince! I want to fall in love again. But frankly I'm terrified of it. Not only do I have to find someone who is right for me but also right for my girls. Someone loving, loyal, supportive, trustworthy, handsome, fun, sweet, kind, caring, funny, who will be my best friend, and lover and partner. Now really what are the odds of that happening? In ways I love being single. I love being able to watch whatever I want on tv having my whole bed to myself, being able to plan my life as I want to. But at the same time I want someone to be with, to watch tv with, cook dinner with, to love and be loved. Maybe eventually my time will come....

short term

I am awesome at setting long term goals. I however seem to stink at the short term. So I am making a 2 1/2 year plan. I know 2 1/2 seems a bit odd but that number comes to my 30th birthday. So by the time I hit the big 3-0 I want:

My kids to continue to be healthy and happy
To have obtained my degree
Landed a good, stable, well paying job
Have a little nest egg in the bank


Only four things, but those four things are HUGE to me. And I will work my tail off to achieve them. I think I will set smaller goals in order to get to those. Even simple ones like "finish this class with an A" or "setting aside X of money each month to put in savings". I can do this!!

rainy day ramblings

It is a lovely albeit cold rainy day, I spent some time this morning at the bookstore. Bookstores are one of my favorite hangouts. I especially love our local buy/sell/trade, they fairly recently put in a little cafe. It's so peaceful to spend a grey day in the bookstore sipping a nice warm drink browsing the shelves. There are always so many treasures to find. That is what I especially love about used bookstores, you can always find something special or two or three!

I am a big geek and enjoy all my tech toys, but I am not a fan of Kindles or Nooks or the like. I do think they could have their place in my life, say for travel. But I love having an actual book in my hand. I love my shelves of books that I have. Ever since I was a little girl I had a dream of having a library in my house. Like the kind you see in movies where they are floor to ceiling shelves and you have to have that rolling ladder to reach the tall ones. And to have that leather wing-back chair next to the fireplace, with the side table and a bottle of scotch. Picture perfect. I still dream of having that. To have a plethora of books for me and my children and anyone who pops by for a visit. With all of the bookstores and libraries closing it breaks my heart. I don't want my kids growing up without books. They are closing libraries in droves in the UK. It is so sad. I think of all the fond memories I have spent in the library when I was growing up. The smell of the books, card catalogs (lol), the lovely librarians, getting my own library card, the pride I felt in carrying that responsibility of those books. Now I am feeling incredibly nostalgic, so with my children off with their daddies for the weekend, I will curl up with a soft blanket, my 2 cats, and a good book, and lose myself in a wonderful story...

It's been a while

since I have blogged. Just haven't been in the mood/have nothing interesting to say. So here I am back trying to feel some sense of normalcy. I have been walking around in a fog of homework, school anxiety, money worries, stress, kid problems and exhaustion.

Last weekend I went out with some old friends to karaoke (and noooo I didn't sing lol) and then run to our former place of work for old times sake. It was really great to have a night out as "Crystal" and not as "Mama". I've been Mama for so long, it's hard to see myself as an individual. I felt guilty for going out. Though I had no reason to, it the the girls night with their dads anyway so if I had not gone out I would have just sat home alone. So I am going out again next weekend for a friends party. Out to a new bar that supposedly has a HUGE dance floor! I looooove to dance so I'm gonna get out on that floor and shake me booty LOL!! Working myself up to be the confidant independant woman I have always wanted to be, but was never brave enogugh to try.

Colorful Characters; a reflection of my life so far

A few days ago my brother sent me a picture of him holding the Oscar that Orson Welles recieved in 1974. My sister-in-law works for his daughter and as my brother is in the film industry she was a darling and loaned it to him to brag to his little sister :) So this got my mom thinking and she did some research on Orson Welles and we found him to be such a colorful character (even more than you'd think). I was lementing the fact that I am such a boring person, how I would love to have some grand adventures, or interesting (true) stories to tell. So mom told me that if I put my life on paper, I would probably sound pretty interesting too. Then remembering my beloved grandmothers memorial service and how after listening to the blurb on her life we all thought "Wow! What an incredible woman! I wish I had known her!" That of course sounds silly as we were all very close, but just goes to show, looking at your life on paper can bring up some interesting things. But I live such a quiet life just a single mother going to school trying to make a better life for my children and myself. But here is my atempt at writing down my life....

I have snorkled, surfed, walked up a volcano, and done the hula while living in Hawaii. I have worked on movies and in the theater (back stage! I'm too scared of the camera) and have as a result gained some wonderful friendships with some very talented people. I have been to barber school and seriously rock with a straight razor, and kick serious butt with color! I have managed a porn store, and thus met some very nice (and not so nice) porn stars. I have been a photographer making $4-5K a month. I have worked as a maid making $5. an hour. I have lived my crazy, teenage, Disney-fueled fantasy of meeting someone, falling in "love" and eloping (all with in a 2 week period) and then of course the enevitable divorce because I married someone I only knew for 2 weeks. I have gone from losing nearly everything I owned, my home, my car, my furniture, to outright owning my own home, and car, and furniture. I have given birth to two incredible little girls. I have given them my heart, my praise, my encouragement and my protection. I became an aunt at the age of 11 and am now about to become a great-aunt as my dear nephew will be a father in June. I have experienced the magic of Disneyland through the eyes of my children. I have beamed with pride while watching my daughter sing and dance on stage. I have cried with her at the death of a dearly loved pet. I have had the death of my father when I was 17, a life-threatening medical condition, a disasterous abusive marriage, an ugly custody battle, a devastating broken engagement, the death of my beloved grandmother when I was pregnant, and I lived through it all. I survived, and am stronger for it. I have met William Shatner and let me tell you being the HUGE Trekkie that I am that was a dream come true!! I have learned how to sword fight. I have learned how to dance, I have learned how to golf, and I have learned how to cook. I am slowly becoming fluent in ASL. All of these things have made me who I am today.

I don't know if I feel any more colorful or interesting now...just relfective on the life I have lead so far...

Crossroads

I am currently pursing my degree in programming. But now I am having second thoughts. I have completely fallen in love with ASL it is such a passion. I really really would like to be a deaf interpreter. I still love programming and computers but I don't have the passion. However, chosing interpreter as my career will basically kill me dream of moving to Scotland. They of course use Brittish Sign Language which is COMPLETELY different that American Sign Language. So when I have to chance to move out there my schooling and work experience will be useless. I would have to start all over, which wont get me citizenship. So do I go with my passion and try for a career I will love? Or do I stay on my current path and follow my dream? Obviously I want to figure out how to make them both work. Any ideas? Advise? Reality check?

Back to "real life"

Last week was spring break! Thankfully Jayde and I had break the same week. On 2 of my days to have her mom was awesomely brave and took both girls on the two hour trip up to my brothers house to visit their cousins. They had a blast and there was minimal drama (thankfully for mom). Due to moms generosity I was ably to have 2 whole days all to myself! WOW! How long has that been.....lets just say it has been years. It was fabulous!! I got to read in the bath tub, sleep in, paint the girls bathroom and repaint my living room, watch some of my favorite shows and take a nap on the couch in the sun. But of course while I so enjoyed my me time I also missed my kids terribly, so I was glad when they came home to me. I got to hear their stories of the fun they had.

I enjoyed break but am glad to get back to school today. I love my ASL class so much. I am anxious to be able to put this skill to use. Lilly is really getting good with her signing. I love having this special way for my girls and I to communicate.

I love being in school and learning new things, but I can't wait to get my degree so I can start working.

The Dream

I do not call my dream the "American" dream because of course my dream is to leave America.  I will get through school if it kills me lol, working all the way up to my Masters.  Possibly own my own business (that one I am not completely sure if I do want) and of course my ultimate goal moving to Scotland!  Finding a beautiful home and settle my family in.  To be immersed in my heritage and this wonderful new world.

Some days that dream feels a million miles away, as opposed to the actual time line.  There have been so many obstacles in my life and I have overcome every one of those.  I can overcome the ones presented in my life now.  My current obstacle is school/work.  I really need to go back to work.  But work, school and my girls?  I can't let my girls suffer because of work and school.  As hard as I try to me I'm not Wonder Woman.

So I'm starting to work out the best time management for school, as well as searching for a part-time well paying job.  Both my house and my car are paid for so I only have utilities, insurance, things for the kids, stuff like that. I will switch to part-times school and probably have to pay for it myself. 

Very slowly bit by bit and piece by piece I will make that dream a reality.  I get a wee bit discouraged at times because it is slow going, but I try to remind myself every class I attend every test I take every paper I write is taking me one step closer to my dream.  And yes sometimes it's two steps forward one step back but it is still progress.  It will get me to my beloved Scotland. 

For now I will put in my favorite Tartanic cd and listen to my bagpipes and drums and appreciate this journey I am on.

fun!!

What a fun day!!  Lillith and I got all dressed up in our garb, her daddy wore his kilt and we went to Ren Faire, got some fun new stuff, took lots of pics, ate great food, saw amazing shows.  And the highlight of the day was Lillith dancing on stage with Tartanic! How incredible to have my daughter dance on stage with my fav band!  We got some beautiful metal scented roses.  Oh and daddy got Lil a marshmallow catapult!  It was such fun.  I am such a kid at heart I will always love dressing up and being silly flinging marshmallows at each other and screaming like a teenybopper at gorgeous men in kilts playing bagpipes and drums!!

confessions of a grown-up drama queen

Today is one of those days I just want to wallow in self-pity!!  I am supposed to go down to the courthouse today to file a paper asking the judge to make a decision on my custody of my 7year old and papers asking what it is I want.  WELL when I filed originally, the woman was supposed to give me my judges name THAT DAY so I could submit the papers stating what I was asking for then today only filing the paper asking him/her to make a judgment.  So it is all messed up.  I feel so utterly hopeless at this very second, and I'm sure most of it has to do with the insane stress this custody battle has put on me plus the fact I am still super sick.  I want so desperately to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry, and hate the world for wronging me.  However I of course can not do that.  I must buck up, get out of my jammies, brush my hair and head down to the courthouse, sick baby in tow, on our way to her Dr. appt.  See what it is I need to do to fix it, then take my darling wee girl to the Dr. and hope they can give her some antibiotics or something to help her feel better and get rid of the evil cough!!

Struggles

These past few days I have been hit with one of the hardest things (at least for me) to deal with as a single parent.  Having a sick kid and being sick yourself.  My darling little Lil has the flu, so for the past three nights she has been up coughing, sneezing, whimpering, crying, tossing and turning, kicking covers off and screaming "NO NO NO MINE MINE MINE!!" in her sleep.  Suffice to say I have had a total of 4 hours of broken sleep in 3 days.  Which wouldn't be too bad if I too weren't sick.  So I am stuck in this zombie-like stupor, wandering around the house bleary-eyed in my jammies trying do get my girl to eat something, anything!  Trying not to fall asleep while I am pouring her yet another glass of juice she is demanding but will not drink.  Then rocking her in my lap while trying to get homework done.  Feeling as if this fuzzy dream state of sickness and lack of sleep will never end...

Finding myself

When I first found out I was pregnant with my first daughter I was 19, and had been married only 6 months.  From that moment onward I knew my life would be dedicated to my new little family, unfortunately my now ex-husband didn't feel the same way, thus the reason I am now divorced,.  So since then it has been dedicated solely to my children.   Which made me a terrific wife and mother.  But in all of this I forgot about myself and got completely lost.  So here I am at 27 single with two little girls who look up to me as their role model and I don't have the slightest clue who I am!  It's kind of scary to look at yourself and have no sense of who you are other than "mama".  So I am slowly trying to put the pieces of this puzzle know as "Me" together.  Looking at things I like, movies, music, books, interests.  I have an ok start, but I don't see how all of these pieces of me can be put together into a whole person.  So many pieces look like they are from different puzzles...so I wonder, can they all fit?

There are some (kinda) decent people left in the world...

Beginning of December of last year, I made a quick trip to the dollar store with my 2 year old.  It was a rushed trip she was throwing a tantrum and I was a bit flustered.  Thats the day I lost my wallet.  Just a week before leaving on vacation to Disneyland.  So I had to rush to the bank to cancel my cards and order new ones, hit the DMV to get a new license, etc etc etc.  I was furious with myself, not only cause I had $100 in cash in there but I also had not only my SS card but both of my kids as well!  And let me tell you they make it next to impossible to replace SS for kids.  Fast forward to yesterday, I got a phone call from my banks branch in the grocery store down the street, they have my wallet!!  I'm so excited I rush down there and sure enough there it is.  She said it was turned into them yesterday.  So I am so thankful some nice person returned it, but then I look at it....hmmmm its a bit torn up, the cash is gone (not too surprised) and all of my cards (except the credit cards) are shoved into the change pocket.  I am thankful to have it back so I have my girls SS cards, our zoo pass and science museum pass, however I am still ticked that they stole my cash.  I have found quite a few wallets in my day and not once have I ever taken anything out of it with the exception of pulling out ID's and such looking for an address or phone number so I can return it, then putting everything back in place.  In conclusion I have this to say:
"Dear citizen who turned in my wallet,
    Thank you for doing so I had some important things in there. However screw you for stealing my cash!

Sincerly,

Me"

Sidenote, yes I know it is my fault for losing it in the first place...

Home ownership

I love owning my own home.  I love that I can paint my house whatever color I feel like (I hate white walls) I can take out or add things; I completely gutted my kitchen this summer and built a new one that I am in love with.  I have a huge yard for my girls to play in, there are no downstairs neighbors that will be annoyed by the girls running and jumping around the house.  It is wonderful.  However there is the maintenance that a home requires (no more landscapers to mow the grass and trim the trees) and then when a problem pops up it can cost big bucks.  I am fairly handy around the house, I did after all remodel my entire kitchen by myself, but when it comes to things like electricity well....I'm at a total loss.  So last night when I went into my bathroom and flipped on the light and nothing happened, I was a tad worried but figured it was waaay too late to worry about it I'd get to it in the morning.  So this morning, still no light, I popped the little test switch on the outlet,  no luck.  I checked the outlets they are still working, as is the fan...hmmmmm.  What are the odds all 4 light bulbs would burn out at the same time?  Slim to none but still I get a new bulb just to see, no dice.  I head out to the fuse box flip the switch, even try the master switch.  To no avail.  And there ends my experience in electric work. Maybe I only like owning my own home....

2011 A New Beginning

Here marks a new chapter in my life.  At 27 years old, being a single mother of two amazing little girls I will be, for the first time in my life, living alone!  I went from living with  my mother to living with my husband, then after we split, having roommates, to my (now ex) fiance to back with my mother.  Now my mother has bought her own house and my home is FINALLY all mine!  This is an exciting, scary, overwhelming, stressful, joyful and crazy time in my life.  I am a full time student, and have been for the past year.  However now I will have to find a job as well, that is the most stressful part for me.  Work, school, homework and 2 little girls is a lot to handle.  There are many single mothers who do this everyday, and I have always looked at them with such awe.  You know those moms who work their butts off at low paying jobs to provide for their kids, and somehow scrape together that little bit of extra cash for little treats here and there, or a special outing, and manage to never miss a parent teacher conference, or dance recital, or the big game in which their child is the star.  I have always seen those mothers as Wonder Woman!  I greatly fear that I will not be able to measure up to those women with their super mom powers. 

I am currently attending school to obtain my degrees in computer programming and web design.  My goal is of course to be able to do these things from home so I don't have to spend long hours away from my babies.  I know this will take tons of hard work and schooling but I am dedicated to making this happen.  I honestly don't have the first clue how to even begin to market myself.  Or how much to charge or anything.  I guess it's time to do some serious research....

This is NOT right!!

Race should NOT in any way determine a persons ability to be a good parent. It is completely 100% wrong that my daughter can be taken from me simply because I am white and give full custody to her father. Tribal laws are wrong. In fact I teach my daughter more about her tribe and heritage than her father does. He only claims his heritage when it is to his benefit, otherwise he will go on and on and on about his Irish heritage. Thankfully for the tribe to get involved in our custody he would have to move to the rez and according to our divorce papers he can't leave the Phoenix metro area so I think I am safe. If only I had known that when we got divorced and got our original custody agreement. I wouldn't have let him bully me into giving up so much time with her in fear of losing her completely.