confessions of a grown-up drama queen

Today is one of those days I just want to wallow in self-pity!!  I am supposed to go down to the courthouse today to file a paper asking the judge to make a decision on my custody of my 7year old and papers asking what it is I want.  WELL when I filed originally, the woman was supposed to give me my judges name THAT DAY so I could submit the papers stating what I was asking for then today only filing the paper asking him/her to make a judgment.  So it is all messed up.  I feel so utterly hopeless at this very second, and I'm sure most of it has to do with the insane stress this custody battle has put on me plus the fact I am still super sick.  I want so desperately to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry, and hate the world for wronging me.  However I of course can not do that.  I must buck up, get out of my jammies, brush my hair and head down to the courthouse, sick baby in tow, on our way to her Dr. appt.  See what it is I need to do to fix it, then take my darling wee girl to the Dr. and hope they can give her some antibiotics or something to help her feel better and get rid of the evil cough!!

Struggles

These past few days I have been hit with one of the hardest things (at least for me) to deal with as a single parent.  Having a sick kid and being sick yourself.  My darling little Lil has the flu, so for the past three nights she has been up coughing, sneezing, whimpering, crying, tossing and turning, kicking covers off and screaming "NO NO NO MINE MINE MINE!!" in her sleep.  Suffice to say I have had a total of 4 hours of broken sleep in 3 days.  Which wouldn't be too bad if I too weren't sick.  So I am stuck in this zombie-like stupor, wandering around the house bleary-eyed in my jammies trying do get my girl to eat something, anything!  Trying not to fall asleep while I am pouring her yet another glass of juice she is demanding but will not drink.  Then rocking her in my lap while trying to get homework done.  Feeling as if this fuzzy dream state of sickness and lack of sleep will never end...

Finding myself

When I first found out I was pregnant with my first daughter I was 19, and had been married only 6 months.  From that moment onward I knew my life would be dedicated to my new little family, unfortunately my now ex-husband didn't feel the same way, thus the reason I am now divorced,.  So since then it has been dedicated solely to my children.   Which made me a terrific wife and mother.  But in all of this I forgot about myself and got completely lost.  So here I am at 27 single with two little girls who look up to me as their role model and I don't have the slightest clue who I am!  It's kind of scary to look at yourself and have no sense of who you are other than "mama".  So I am slowly trying to put the pieces of this puzzle know as "Me" together.  Looking at things I like, movies, music, books, interests.  I have an ok start, but I don't see how all of these pieces of me can be put together into a whole person.  So many pieces look like they are from different puzzles...so I wonder, can they all fit?

There are some (kinda) decent people left in the world...

Beginning of December of last year, I made a quick trip to the dollar store with my 2 year old.  It was a rushed trip she was throwing a tantrum and I was a bit flustered.  Thats the day I lost my wallet.  Just a week before leaving on vacation to Disneyland.  So I had to rush to the bank to cancel my cards and order new ones, hit the DMV to get a new license, etc etc etc.  I was furious with myself, not only cause I had $100 in cash in there but I also had not only my SS card but both of my kids as well!  And let me tell you they make it next to impossible to replace SS for kids.  Fast forward to yesterday, I got a phone call from my banks branch in the grocery store down the street, they have my wallet!!  I'm so excited I rush down there and sure enough there it is.  She said it was turned into them yesterday.  So I am so thankful some nice person returned it, but then I look at it....hmmmm its a bit torn up, the cash is gone (not too surprised) and all of my cards (except the credit cards) are shoved into the change pocket.  I am thankful to have it back so I have my girls SS cards, our zoo pass and science museum pass, however I am still ticked that they stole my cash.  I have found quite a few wallets in my day and not once have I ever taken anything out of it with the exception of pulling out ID's and such looking for an address or phone number so I can return it, then putting everything back in place.  In conclusion I have this to say:
"Dear citizen who turned in my wallet,
    Thank you for doing so I had some important things in there. However screw you for stealing my cash!

Sincerly,

Me"

Sidenote, yes I know it is my fault for losing it in the first place...