How much is enough?

My dear 2 1/2 year old daughter came home from her night at her daddys house today. After our lunch with daddy and a quick stop at the store for new watercolors, we came home and painted a HUGE picture together, then we did 3 puzzles and then played a few levels of Mario on the Wii. So I started thinking about it, and it got me thinking about honestly how much time I do spend playing with her, like honestly playing doing what she wants, and I realize I spend a good 5, 6 or more hours a day just playing with her. Which is crazy as I always feel guilty for not doing enough with her. Which is of course why I never get anything else done. Where is that balance? Why do I struggle with this so much..is it my perfectionism? Wanting to be the perfect mother and woman? Probably. How do I fight the perfection monster?

What if.....

Today my mind is full of what if? Lately I have been thinking a lot about a certain someone and then last night had a wild dream about him and has really made me stop and think. I have always regretted not telling him I loved him. He was my very best friends little brother. So I've know him as long as I can remember. And was in love with him for as long as I can remember. He was so cute, and sweet, and funny and just perfect. One day I commented to my friend that I had a crush on her brother and she freaked out (we were really young and it was her brother so she thought it was gross) so because of that I never told him. I just relished all the time I was able to spend with him. I went on vacations with them and just loved him more and more. Of all of the mistakes I have made in my life, that was the biggest and the one I regret the most. I wonder what our lives would have been, what kind of person I would be now if things had gone anywhere....

Pieces of life are falling into place

One of my girlfriends contacted me the other day and said hey I have got some work for you if you are interested...after a quick run through of the details, I was jumping up and down (literally) with joy. I get paid a decent wage, extremely flexible hours AND I GET TO WORK FROM HOME!!!! And I can start training tomorrow! Seriously this is a dream come true! No it's not a glamorous job nor will I get rich but it will be more than enough to pay my bills, have some to save, and some splurge on the kiddos. And I can do it while I am home, and I can easily work it around whatever the kids are doing. And work it around school! I am still in shock of all of this, I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to her and how much this has saved me...

Welcome to my pitty party

Today as my mom was checking out her facebook she says "whoa! K and T are getting married!?!?!" K being my ex husband and T being the woman he spent our whole marriage sleeping with, and thus the final reason which forced me to leave him. Now the only feelings I have for my ex is pure hatred, so why does this bother me so? Because the lying, cheating, bastard who I took care of, put through school, bought the house and furnished it(which he now owns) cooked, cleaned, took care of our beautiful daughter, and he is now very happy and marrying the woman he cheated with for years? A dear wise friend pointed out he thinks I am so upset because K used me to get to her. (thank you my dear friend for pointing THAT out to me) So he is all happy and getting married and they have their second child on the way, and I can't get a date with a decent man. So here I sit feeling sorry for myself, but that is indeed just so foolish. So I will sit and cry for a bit, let out my frustration and anger, mostly at myself for making such a foolish choice in husband at such a young age. Then I will take a deep breath pick myself off the floor and be thankful he is marrying a woman who treats my daughter well and cares for her. Because in the end that beautiful girl we had together is all that matters.

Happily ever after...

With all of the hype with the royal wedding, I have been feeling utterly depressed. I mean here is this woman who gets the whole package, a man who is cute, good hearted, rich and a PRINCE to boot! I mean how unfair is that? I can't even find a decent man to go on a date with and she gets a prince! I want to fall in love again. But frankly I'm terrified of it. Not only do I have to find someone who is right for me but also right for my girls. Someone loving, loyal, supportive, trustworthy, handsome, fun, sweet, kind, caring, funny, who will be my best friend, and lover and partner. Now really what are the odds of that happening? In ways I love being single. I love being able to watch whatever I want on tv having my whole bed to myself, being able to plan my life as I want to. But at the same time I want someone to be with, to watch tv with, cook dinner with, to love and be loved. Maybe eventually my time will come....

short term

I am awesome at setting long term goals. I however seem to stink at the short term. So I am making a 2 1/2 year plan. I know 2 1/2 seems a bit odd but that number comes to my 30th birthday. So by the time I hit the big 3-0 I want:

My kids to continue to be healthy and happy
To have obtained my degree
Landed a good, stable, well paying job
Have a little nest egg in the bank


Only four things, but those four things are HUGE to me. And I will work my tail off to achieve them. I think I will set smaller goals in order to get to those. Even simple ones like "finish this class with an A" or "setting aside X of money each month to put in savings". I can do this!!

rainy day ramblings

It is a lovely albeit cold rainy day, I spent some time this morning at the bookstore. Bookstores are one of my favorite hangouts. I especially love our local buy/sell/trade, they fairly recently put in a little cafe. It's so peaceful to spend a grey day in the bookstore sipping a nice warm drink browsing the shelves. There are always so many treasures to find. That is what I especially love about used bookstores, you can always find something special or two or three!

I am a big geek and enjoy all my tech toys, but I am not a fan of Kindles or Nooks or the like. I do think they could have their place in my life, say for travel. But I love having an actual book in my hand. I love my shelves of books that I have. Ever since I was a little girl I had a dream of having a library in my house. Like the kind you see in movies where they are floor to ceiling shelves and you have to have that rolling ladder to reach the tall ones. And to have that leather wing-back chair next to the fireplace, with the side table and a bottle of scotch. Picture perfect. I still dream of having that. To have a plethora of books for me and my children and anyone who pops by for a visit. With all of the bookstores and libraries closing it breaks my heart. I don't want my kids growing up without books. They are closing libraries in droves in the UK. It is so sad. I think of all the fond memories I have spent in the library when I was growing up. The smell of the books, card catalogs (lol), the lovely librarians, getting my own library card, the pride I felt in carrying that responsibility of those books. Now I am feeling incredibly nostalgic, so with my children off with their daddies for the weekend, I will curl up with a soft blanket, my 2 cats, and a good book, and lose myself in a wonderful story...