confessions of a grown-up drama queen

Today is one of those days I just want to wallow in self-pity!!  I am supposed to go down to the courthouse today to file a paper asking the judge to make a decision on my custody of my 7year old and papers asking what it is I want.  WELL when I filed originally, the woman was supposed to give me my judges name THAT DAY so I could submit the papers stating what I was asking for then today only filing the paper asking him/her to make a judgment.  So it is all messed up.  I feel so utterly hopeless at this very second, and I'm sure most of it has to do with the insane stress this custody battle has put on me plus the fact I am still super sick.  I want so desperately to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry, and hate the world for wronging me.  However I of course can not do that.  I must buck up, get out of my jammies, brush my hair and head down to the courthouse, sick baby in tow, on our way to her Dr. appt.  See what it is I need to do to fix it, then take my darling wee girl to the Dr. and hope they can give her some antibiotics or something to help her feel better and get rid of the evil cough!!

Struggles

These past few days I have been hit with one of the hardest things (at least for me) to deal with as a single parent.  Having a sick kid and being sick yourself.  My darling little Lil has the flu, so for the past three nights she has been up coughing, sneezing, whimpering, crying, tossing and turning, kicking covers off and screaming "NO NO NO MINE MINE MINE!!" in her sleep.  Suffice to say I have had a total of 4 hours of broken sleep in 3 days.  Which wouldn't be too bad if I too weren't sick.  So I am stuck in this zombie-like stupor, wandering around the house bleary-eyed in my jammies trying do get my girl to eat something, anything!  Trying not to fall asleep while I am pouring her yet another glass of juice she is demanding but will not drink.  Then rocking her in my lap while trying to get homework done.  Feeling as if this fuzzy dream state of sickness and lack of sleep will never end...

Finding myself

When I first found out I was pregnant with my first daughter I was 19, and had been married only 6 months.  From that moment onward I knew my life would be dedicated to my new little family, unfortunately my now ex-husband didn't feel the same way, thus the reason I am now divorced,.  So since then it has been dedicated solely to my children.   Which made me a terrific wife and mother.  But in all of this I forgot about myself and got completely lost.  So here I am at 27 single with two little girls who look up to me as their role model and I don't have the slightest clue who I am!  It's kind of scary to look at yourself and have no sense of who you are other than "mama".  So I am slowly trying to put the pieces of this puzzle know as "Me" together.  Looking at things I like, movies, music, books, interests.  I have an ok start, but I don't see how all of these pieces of me can be put together into a whole person.  So many pieces look like they are from different puzzles...so I wonder, can they all fit?

There are some (kinda) decent people left in the world...

Beginning of December of last year, I made a quick trip to the dollar store with my 2 year old.  It was a rushed trip she was throwing a tantrum and I was a bit flustered.  Thats the day I lost my wallet.  Just a week before leaving on vacation to Disneyland.  So I had to rush to the bank to cancel my cards and order new ones, hit the DMV to get a new license, etc etc etc.  I was furious with myself, not only cause I had $100 in cash in there but I also had not only my SS card but both of my kids as well!  And let me tell you they make it next to impossible to replace SS for kids.  Fast forward to yesterday, I got a phone call from my banks branch in the grocery store down the street, they have my wallet!!  I'm so excited I rush down there and sure enough there it is.  She said it was turned into them yesterday.  So I am so thankful some nice person returned it, but then I look at it....hmmmm its a bit torn up, the cash is gone (not too surprised) and all of my cards (except the credit cards) are shoved into the change pocket.  I am thankful to have it back so I have my girls SS cards, our zoo pass and science museum pass, however I am still ticked that they stole my cash.  I have found quite a few wallets in my day and not once have I ever taken anything out of it with the exception of pulling out ID's and such looking for an address or phone number so I can return it, then putting everything back in place.  In conclusion I have this to say:
"Dear citizen who turned in my wallet,
    Thank you for doing so I had some important things in there. However screw you for stealing my cash!

Sincerly,

Me"

Sidenote, yes I know it is my fault for losing it in the first place...

Home ownership

I love owning my own home.  I love that I can paint my house whatever color I feel like (I hate white walls) I can take out or add things; I completely gutted my kitchen this summer and built a new one that I am in love with.  I have a huge yard for my girls to play in, there are no downstairs neighbors that will be annoyed by the girls running and jumping around the house.  It is wonderful.  However there is the maintenance that a home requires (no more landscapers to mow the grass and trim the trees) and then when a problem pops up it can cost big bucks.  I am fairly handy around the house, I did after all remodel my entire kitchen by myself, but when it comes to things like electricity well....I'm at a total loss.  So last night when I went into my bathroom and flipped on the light and nothing happened, I was a tad worried but figured it was waaay too late to worry about it I'd get to it in the morning.  So this morning, still no light, I popped the little test switch on the outlet,  no luck.  I checked the outlets they are still working, as is the fan...hmmmmm.  What are the odds all 4 light bulbs would burn out at the same time?  Slim to none but still I get a new bulb just to see, no dice.  I head out to the fuse box flip the switch, even try the master switch.  To no avail.  And there ends my experience in electric work. Maybe I only like owning my own home....

2011 A New Beginning

Here marks a new chapter in my life.  At 27 years old, being a single mother of two amazing little girls I will be, for the first time in my life, living alone!  I went from living with  my mother to living with my husband, then after we split, having roommates, to my (now ex) fiance to back with my mother.  Now my mother has bought her own house and my home is FINALLY all mine!  This is an exciting, scary, overwhelming, stressful, joyful and crazy time in my life.  I am a full time student, and have been for the past year.  However now I will have to find a job as well, that is the most stressful part for me.  Work, school, homework and 2 little girls is a lot to handle.  There are many single mothers who do this everyday, and I have always looked at them with such awe.  You know those moms who work their butts off at low paying jobs to provide for their kids, and somehow scrape together that little bit of extra cash for little treats here and there, or a special outing, and manage to never miss a parent teacher conference, or dance recital, or the big game in which their child is the star.  I have always seen those mothers as Wonder Woman!  I greatly fear that I will not be able to measure up to those women with their super mom powers. 

I am currently attending school to obtain my degrees in computer programming and web design.  My goal is of course to be able to do these things from home so I don't have to spend long hours away from my babies.  I know this will take tons of hard work and schooling but I am dedicated to making this happen.  I honestly don't have the first clue how to even begin to market myself.  Or how much to charge or anything.  I guess it's time to do some serious research....

This is NOT right!!

Race should NOT in any way determine a persons ability to be a good parent. It is completely 100% wrong that my daughter can be taken from me simply because I am white and give full custody to her father. Tribal laws are wrong. In fact I teach my daughter more about her tribe and heritage than her father does. He only claims his heritage when it is to his benefit, otherwise he will go on and on and on about his Irish heritage. Thankfully for the tribe to get involved in our custody he would have to move to the rez and according to our divorce papers he can't leave the Phoenix metro area so I think I am safe. If only I had known that when we got divorced and got our original custody agreement. I wouldn't have let him bully me into giving up so much time with her in fear of losing her completely.