Welcome to my pitty party

Today as my mom was checking out her facebook she says "whoa! K and T are getting married!?!?!" K being my ex husband and T being the woman he spent our whole marriage sleeping with, and thus the final reason which forced me to leave him. Now the only feelings I have for my ex is pure hatred, so why does this bother me so? Because the lying, cheating, bastard who I took care of, put through school, bought the house and furnished it(which he now owns) cooked, cleaned, took care of our beautiful daughter, and he is now very happy and marrying the woman he cheated with for years? A dear wise friend pointed out he thinks I am so upset because K used me to get to her. (thank you my dear friend for pointing THAT out to me) So he is all happy and getting married and they have their second child on the way, and I can't get a date with a decent man. So here I sit feeling sorry for myself, but that is indeed just so foolish. So I will sit and cry for a bit, let out my frustration and anger, mostly at myself for making such a foolish choice in husband at such a young age. Then I will take a deep breath pick myself off the floor and be thankful he is marrying a woman who treats my daughter well and cares for her. Because in the end that beautiful girl we had together is all that matters.

Happily ever after...

With all of the hype with the royal wedding, I have been feeling utterly depressed. I mean here is this woman who gets the whole package, a man who is cute, good hearted, rich and a PRINCE to boot! I mean how unfair is that? I can't even find a decent man to go on a date with and she gets a prince! I want to fall in love again. But frankly I'm terrified of it. Not only do I have to find someone who is right for me but also right for my girls. Someone loving, loyal, supportive, trustworthy, handsome, fun, sweet, kind, caring, funny, who will be my best friend, and lover and partner. Now really what are the odds of that happening? In ways I love being single. I love being able to watch whatever I want on tv having my whole bed to myself, being able to plan my life as I want to. But at the same time I want someone to be with, to watch tv with, cook dinner with, to love and be loved. Maybe eventually my time will come....

short term

I am awesome at setting long term goals. I however seem to stink at the short term. So I am making a 2 1/2 year plan. I know 2 1/2 seems a bit odd but that number comes to my 30th birthday. So by the time I hit the big 3-0 I want:

My kids to continue to be healthy and happy
To have obtained my degree
Landed a good, stable, well paying job
Have a little nest egg in the bank


Only four things, but those four things are HUGE to me. And I will work my tail off to achieve them. I think I will set smaller goals in order to get to those. Even simple ones like "finish this class with an A" or "setting aside X of money each month to put in savings". I can do this!!

rainy day ramblings

It is a lovely albeit cold rainy day, I spent some time this morning at the bookstore. Bookstores are one of my favorite hangouts. I especially love our local buy/sell/trade, they fairly recently put in a little cafe. It's so peaceful to spend a grey day in the bookstore sipping a nice warm drink browsing the shelves. There are always so many treasures to find. That is what I especially love about used bookstores, you can always find something special or two or three!

I am a big geek and enjoy all my tech toys, but I am not a fan of Kindles or Nooks or the like. I do think they could have their place in my life, say for travel. But I love having an actual book in my hand. I love my shelves of books that I have. Ever since I was a little girl I had a dream of having a library in my house. Like the kind you see in movies where they are floor to ceiling shelves and you have to have that rolling ladder to reach the tall ones. And to have that leather wing-back chair next to the fireplace, with the side table and a bottle of scotch. Picture perfect. I still dream of having that. To have a plethora of books for me and my children and anyone who pops by for a visit. With all of the bookstores and libraries closing it breaks my heart. I don't want my kids growing up without books. They are closing libraries in droves in the UK. It is so sad. I think of all the fond memories I have spent in the library when I was growing up. The smell of the books, card catalogs (lol), the lovely librarians, getting my own library card, the pride I felt in carrying that responsibility of those books. Now I am feeling incredibly nostalgic, so with my children off with their daddies for the weekend, I will curl up with a soft blanket, my 2 cats, and a good book, and lose myself in a wonderful story...

It's been a while

since I have blogged. Just haven't been in the mood/have nothing interesting to say. So here I am back trying to feel some sense of normalcy. I have been walking around in a fog of homework, school anxiety, money worries, stress, kid problems and exhaustion.

Last weekend I went out with some old friends to karaoke (and noooo I didn't sing lol) and then run to our former place of work for old times sake. It was really great to have a night out as "Crystal" and not as "Mama". I've been Mama for so long, it's hard to see myself as an individual. I felt guilty for going out. Though I had no reason to, it the the girls night with their dads anyway so if I had not gone out I would have just sat home alone. So I am going out again next weekend for a friends party. Out to a new bar that supposedly has a HUGE dance floor! I looooove to dance so I'm gonna get out on that floor and shake me booty LOL!! Working myself up to be the confidant independant woman I have always wanted to be, but was never brave enogugh to try.

Colorful Characters; a reflection of my life so far

A few days ago my brother sent me a picture of him holding the Oscar that Orson Welles recieved in 1974. My sister-in-law works for his daughter and as my brother is in the film industry she was a darling and loaned it to him to brag to his little sister :) So this got my mom thinking and she did some research on Orson Welles and we found him to be such a colorful character (even more than you'd think). I was lementing the fact that I am such a boring person, how I would love to have some grand adventures, or interesting (true) stories to tell. So mom told me that if I put my life on paper, I would probably sound pretty interesting too. Then remembering my beloved grandmothers memorial service and how after listening to the blurb on her life we all thought "Wow! What an incredible woman! I wish I had known her!" That of course sounds silly as we were all very close, but just goes to show, looking at your life on paper can bring up some interesting things. But I live such a quiet life just a single mother going to school trying to make a better life for my children and myself. But here is my atempt at writing down my life....

I have snorkled, surfed, walked up a volcano, and done the hula while living in Hawaii. I have worked on movies and in the theater (back stage! I'm too scared of the camera) and have as a result gained some wonderful friendships with some very talented people. I have been to barber school and seriously rock with a straight razor, and kick serious butt with color! I have managed a porn store, and thus met some very nice (and not so nice) porn stars. I have been a photographer making $4-5K a month. I have worked as a maid making $5. an hour. I have lived my crazy, teenage, Disney-fueled fantasy of meeting someone, falling in "love" and eloping (all with in a 2 week period) and then of course the enevitable divorce because I married someone I only knew for 2 weeks. I have gone from losing nearly everything I owned, my home, my car, my furniture, to outright owning my own home, and car, and furniture. I have given birth to two incredible little girls. I have given them my heart, my praise, my encouragement and my protection. I became an aunt at the age of 11 and am now about to become a great-aunt as my dear nephew will be a father in June. I have experienced the magic of Disneyland through the eyes of my children. I have beamed with pride while watching my daughter sing and dance on stage. I have cried with her at the death of a dearly loved pet. I have had the death of my father when I was 17, a life-threatening medical condition, a disasterous abusive marriage, an ugly custody battle, a devastating broken engagement, the death of my beloved grandmother when I was pregnant, and I lived through it all. I survived, and am stronger for it. I have met William Shatner and let me tell you being the HUGE Trekkie that I am that was a dream come true!! I have learned how to sword fight. I have learned how to dance, I have learned how to golf, and I have learned how to cook. I am slowly becoming fluent in ASL. All of these things have made me who I am today.

I don't know if I feel any more colorful or interesting now...just relfective on the life I have lead so far...

Crossroads

I am currently pursing my degree in programming. But now I am having second thoughts. I have completely fallen in love with ASL it is such a passion. I really really would like to be a deaf interpreter. I still love programming and computers but I don't have the passion. However, chosing interpreter as my career will basically kill me dream of moving to Scotland. They of course use Brittish Sign Language which is COMPLETELY different that American Sign Language. So when I have to chance to move out there my schooling and work experience will be useless. I would have to start all over, which wont get me citizenship. So do I go with my passion and try for a career I will love? Or do I stay on my current path and follow my dream? Obviously I want to figure out how to make them both work. Any ideas? Advise? Reality check?